I'm not going to deny who I am anymore.
I'm not going to be shamed into thinking I'm not right.
They want me to think I don't know what I'm doing, that I need their help.
And all these years, I bought into it.

When a child does something wrong, it is the parent to suffer, the parent to blame. That is the lot of being a parent. A good parent has admirable kids, a bad parent has shameful kids. My mom had the best kids. Everybody knew it, because she said it was so.

Whatever mistakes I made as a child, they were MY mistakes, not hers. That was our secret, my mistakes, but OUR secret.

No one ever needed to know the truth about me, or the lies about her.

My mother is a shrewd, cunning, suspicious person.

She has never trusted anyone in her life.

She is an aggressive, defensive lady who never let anyone get the best of her.

She is always in control, manning the situation.

She cannot be easily fooled.

Until now, I always thought what happened was an honest mistake.

For the first time ever, I caught a glimpse of it.

I had no idea it was there, I never noticed it, never recognized it.

For a moment I could feel the faint touch of pain, like a real deep-rooted suffering. It was so far in it became lost inside of me.

I guess that was when I thought maybe everything wasn't always alright. I know there were times when it was okay, but other times it just wasn't.

They would convince me that it was all well and good, otherwise I wouldn't have hung around to take it. In the end I figured it out but by then they were done with me anyway.

I could only see the tip. It scared me to think how much must be there. The thought of letting it all out was overwhelming.

But now I know, I know it's there. I know where it came from, and all the time it took to build it up.

As sad as it seems, it gives me the most profound hope.

Oh my lovers,

how can I let you go?

All my lovers,

so rich is your life within me,

to be the saddest loss.

My lovers,

what will it take for me to set you adrift

from conscious thought, endearing gestures and luscious pleasures?

This is sad, but you must go,

I held on to you because I loved to, but

you should be long gone, this is no place for you.

Away lovers, go

away, lovers.

I've been abusing myself.

I've stoned myself, hit and kicked, bit and spat, pushed and shoved, yelled and screamed at myself all day and all night.

I've denied my vary thoughts, my deepest desires, my own wishes. I've abandoned myself, demeaned and humiliated, teased and tore myself to bits.

I've completely betrayed who I was, distancing myself from my own past.

I broke my own will, until there was nothing left but desperate remains, gasping for life,

but I never gave it a second chance.

I completely turned myself away, left my will to crumble -

then embraced the Truth of who I AM.

We are all just brothers and sisters, we
only owe each other love; nothing
more, nothing less.

Loving others is easy, it's trying not to dislike them that is hard for me.

Today I realized the reason why I loved you so much was because you represented all the things I hated about myself.

It's the thing that you want the most that can kill you.

The pain that you can't feel is the pain that does the most harm.

In the mist

Believe, beyond belief; beyond words, beyond thoughts,

Believe like you know what you don't know, like its inside you, a part of you,

and you can't distinguish it from yourself, anymore.